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The Doctor's Diary - Ananya Arora

A diary entry written from the perspective of The Doctor following the events of Lake Silencio.

Dear Diary,

Oh, that sounds weird but I’m doing this because River said it would help with my memory. She’s also standing over my shoulder as I write this so, for the sake of my safety, I’m going to do it properly.

I don’t know what day it is; time is irrelevant in the TARDIS. I do know that today is the day after I got married. Also, the day after I died. Well, for all intents and purposes, I am dead to the world, in fact, it’s almost like I never existed.

I got too loud, too careless, but more importantly, I got old. Old enough to forget things I promised myself I’d never forget. Amy and Rory, they’re my current companions, also River’s parents, which technically makes them my in-laws? I could swear Amy was just a seven-year-old girl a few days ago. Amy lost the chance to raise River. Rory has died countless times, he does manage to come back but there’ll come a day when he doesn’t, and that’ll be on me. Then there’s River, my River, she was forced to kill me, plucked away from her mother’s arms and raised to be a psychopath. My bespoke psychopath, raised to kill me.

I have ruined so many lives. I promise my companions all of time and space and whisk them away in a tiny wooden box that’s bigger on the inside. Not all of them made the trip back home. Some were left behind, some left and some died. I’ve forgotten what they looked like. I’ve forgotten so much. And the universe, it used to sparkle. My inevitable fate, ever since I began. I made it my backyard. But it stopped sparkling. I saw the birth of every star, and I was there when it died. Every civilization, every species, I’ve seen it all. I made the universe my backyard, so that’s what I got, a back yard. 

 I need to stop. I’m over a thousand years old, I call myself The Doctor because I want to heal people, help them. It’s not what I’ve done. I have inspired so much fear, that an entire religion, across time, has made it their mission to make sure I die. River can’t always be here and I refuse to put Amy and Rory in danger again. They lost one daughter because of me, I don’t want to ruin another. 

I don’t know if I’ll remember writing this a few hundred years from now; maybe I’ll have a new face. I may forget about writing this entry just a few weeks from when it was written, but I promise you Doctor, I’ll try not to forget them. My friends have always been the best of me; I will not forget them. Not for anything. But to keep them safe, the world would have to forget me. No more saving civilizations, rescuing people, stopping wars. To keep them safe, I would have to stop being the Doctor. Erase my name from every database in the universe, across all of time and space. I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know who to be if I’m not the Doctor.
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