My dearest Elio,
How are you? Do you still live somewhere in northern Italy, or have you moved to a big-shot city now? I wouldn't blame you if you have. Places, more often than not, have a habit of taking on the appearance of the most significant memories that you offered to them. The more beautiful the memory, the greater the beauty of the place. And the sadder the memory… Well, I guess, the more heart-breaking where tears were once shed.
This letter is more than just a traditional “letter”; it is a means of expressing gratitude. ‘Gratitude?’, you think. Yes, gratitude— because not in a thousand years would I have the words nor the strength to even attempt to investigate the residual feelings that a broken heart is left with, if it weren't for your help. I do not find solace in your heartbreak; do not for one moment believe that I am grateful for what happened to you. Your sadness echoed somewhere deep within the four walls of my empty heart, and kept reverberating for days only with increasing intensity. No, I'm grateful to you for providing the words. For sharing your grief, and for letting me find a company in mine. Before I knew you, I was in the process of doing exactly what your father advised you against doing. I stopped feeling. I put them all in a little box and locked it tight, lest they should escape and cause any more angst than I can take. But you, Elio, taught me to breathe through melancholy.
Love is a strange thing, as I'm sure you know by now. It comes slowly, creeps up on you gradually, almost stealthily, when you least expect it. You and I— we try and keep it at bay for as long as we are physically able. But once our defence falls, we fall hard. We find ourselves drowning in mid-ocean, and wonder when was it that we lost sight of the shore. But do we regret it? Even after we've felt our hearts shatter, and we've shed more than just a few tears in the silence of the night, we pick up the shards and keep them safe— because we love what broke us. Oliver did not intend to break you, you know that more than I do. The love you both had, the connection that was so prematurely broken, destroyed both of you equally. Was it right? No. But would you have it any other way? No.
You are young, and you will find your way through the misery that life throws at you. And more importantly, once you do find your footing in this world, you will realise those precious few moments from that summer holds the rosiest, the brightest place in your mind. There will always be a tinge of sadness mixed into the ecstasy, but what isn't? They say, memory is but a bittersweet version of the happiest moments of our lives. But I know what you're thinking. You're wondering how long it would take for Oliver's memories to stop hurting you before you can look back on them with joy. I have no answer. We're on a similar journey, and we only have each other to reassure and support. Oliver is on a similar journey too, I'm sure. And he too, will look for ways to save himself from the crushing suffocation that comes from parting ways with the person who matters the most.
But life goes on, doesn't it? The world is a very small place, Elio, and you never know who you cross paths with again. As for me, I'm a romantic at heart. I will always hope that Oliver finds his way back to his Elio, and reclaims what was once his, and perhaps still is. How terrible to have loved someone so deeply, so completely, that you lose yourself to him, and find yourself in him— only to realise that the world isn't ready for your love yet. Things will get better, they always do. C'est la vie, Elio.
Until then, don't stop calling him by your name. Somewhere, somehow, he is doing just the same.
With Love,
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